I can hear their angry words from the kitchen. It feels like the hundredth argument between them already this morning. I sigh and glance at the clock.

10:26.

How can I teach a brother and a sister to be kind to each other and to really love in word and deed? What wise words would convince them it is better to give than to receive? What form of discipline would train them to put the well-being of others before their own?

The truth is I don’t know how to solve all these sibling spats in a way that points them to God and teaches them selflessness.

How do I slay the ugly monster of self in each of them? I see it so clearly because I see it in myself. Self raises her ugly head with a voice to match and demads things go her way. Self manipulates and twists to promote her own agenda. Self is greedy and jealous and  – well – selfish.

All my first instincts fall short.

I’m tempted to say, Who had it first? But I’ve never seen that in Scripture.

I’m tempted to respond with angry words of my own. There is something in Scripture about that.

I send them both to time-out until I can figure out what to do.

It seems my words about being kind and giving and loving often fall on deaf little ears. They answer my questions correctly, apologize and forgive each other, then shortly after they are fighting over something else. When will they learn? When will I see heart change in them?

When will I learn? When will my own black heart change?

What is causing the fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them.
James 4:1-2 (NLT)

I sit down in between them on the time-out step and ask them to tell me about their behaviour. They tell me it wasn’t kind. The little one says God wants us to be kind. She’s heard it before. She knows what to say. They say sorry and hug and forgive each other.

All is forgiven and forgotten… until the next time.

How can I lead these precious little ones into greater obedience if I still struggle with the same things?

We are all in desperate need of grace.

“Why do we give first, Mommy?”

It’s a good question. I stare into his inquisitive eyes, then down at the tin cans we’ve fashioned into piggy banks.

“We give first because God gave to us first.”

He seems satisfied with the answer. I know he doesn’t understand.

I don’t fully understand.

We show him how much of his hard earned money to put in the can labelled ‘give,’ then how much goes into ‘save’ and finally how much he can spend.

I think of my own money and how I – more often then not – get it backwards. Money is allocated quite often to spend, less often to give, and almost never to save. Wants are magnified into needs resulting in the consumption of a large portion of the money God has blessed me with. 

Often the line is blurred – almost to nonexistence – between wants and needs. Many of our modern conveniences I can’t imagine surviving without, meanwhile my grandmother wouldn’t have been able to imagine living with them. She managed to live an entire lifetime without the things I think I need.

We arrange the cans in order: Give first. Save second. Spend last.

Do I give first? And when it is my first priority, do I give until it hurts? Do I give sacrificially or merely out of my excess?

Jesus watched the rich people dropping their gifts into the collection box. He was watching hearts not fully surrendered to Him; not fully flooded with His love to the point of overflowing. They were giving – yes – but only a tiny part of their surplus. Then a poor widow came by and dropped in two small coins and Jesus said she had given far more than all the rest of them, for she had given everything she had (Luke 21:1-4). Her gift was a sacrifice; theirs was not. She knew what it meant to be given much and therefore give much in return.

What motivates my giving? Obligation? Guilt? Or is it out of gratitude to the One who has given far more than I could ever imagine.

Yes, son. We give because He first gave to us.

You must love the Lord your God with all your hear, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbour as yourself. Matthew 22:37-39

I’ve asked Him the question more times than I can count: What is Your will for my life?

I wonder and worry, seek and stress over it. I fear missing it. I dread walking into it. I worry that I’ll never be able to fulfill it.

But what if I’m using this frantic search for His grand plan for my life as an excuse not to follow the Spirit today? It is much more comfortable to think and dream about what He may want to do with me in the future, than to face the scary step of obedience He wants me to take in this moment.

This leads to another troubling question: What does God want me to do in this moment?

Too often we stand motionless, desperately looking for messages in the sky or anxiously listening for an audible voice, when He’s already told us what to do.

Love God. Love others.

God is interested in my obedience now, and He’s already revealed His will for me in His Word.

A wise man said this to me this past week: God’s will is not a dot. It’s much broader.

What a freeing thought! God’s will for my life is not some tiny, obscure point that I have to search for in the midst of this chaotic world. He has spoken His will for my life through His Word: Love Me and follow me; love others; care for widows and orphans. How that plays out in my life and in yours may be very different, but if we are obeying what He’s already said, we can be certain we are in His will.

Instead of fretting and stewing about what God wants us to do in our lives, let’s focus on what He wants us to do now, based on what He’s already said.

It’s what a lot of parents live for.

Bedtime.

On those days when sibling rivalry is rampant, whininess prevails, and messes abound, I count the hours until that glorious time when all is quiet, children nestled snugly in their beds.

But I want more than to survive these years of parenting – I want to enjoy them. I want to build memories that will last a lifetime, create a home filled with love and laughter, and form relationships with my children that will last for many years to come.

Today I resolve to kneel down to their level to play, to read stories, to talk as long as they want at bedtime, to sing one more song as I tuck them in, and to tickle and laugh lots.

Today I will be silly, I will answer questions about which animal runs faster – an elephant or a moose – I will hold her baby because she’s (apparently!) crying, and I will come quickly when they want to show me something.

Today I will avoid saying “not right now” or “in a minute.”

Today I will smile more, and hurry them less.

Today I will try hard to look at the world through their eyes.

God, help me do more than just survive the day with these precious children you’ve entrusted to me. Help me to treasure each and every moment.

It changes them. When people see with their own eyes and hear with their own ears the reality of poverty, they can’t help but be changed. They return to their former lives of abundance completely transformed; eyes wide open to the harsh realities of our world.

I followed along as Ann blogged her way through Guatemala, her heart breaking into a million pieces at what she saw. Forever changed.

It left me wanting that. I want an experience that wreaks me – that breaks my heart beyond repair. I want to see with my own eyes families living in city dumps, hunting for food and seeking desperately a life for themselves amidst other people’s garbage. I want to smell the stench of poverty in city streets and look deep into the eyes begging for food, love, and live. I want to wrap my arms around a girl ravaged by the horror of the sex industry and speak life and hope into emptiness.

Then I would be forever changed.

Then it would settle this struggle within me once and for all.

Some days I long to give, to sacrifice my comfort for the well-being of another. On those days I would willingly sell all I own to give to those who are suffering. But then other days I find myself wanting more stuff. Bigger and better. On those days I close my eyes and my heart to the poor.

I waver back and forth between the things of this world and radical giving.

I know what is right. Do not love the things of this world (1 John 2:15). True religion is caring for widows and orphans (James 1:27). Sell all you have and give to the poor, then come follow Me (Matthew 19:21). Yet the pull of this world is strong.

Why is it we have to see it to truly believe it exists? To let it affect us in a way where our lives are never the same?

God, break my heart for what breaks Yours.

I have been given all authority in heaven and on the earth. Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.
Matthew 28:18-20

He says go when, quite frankly, I’d rather stay.

I’m reading a book that is challenging my thinking in a lot of ways. In Radical, David Platt suggests that each person is called to a global mission. This doesn’t necessarily mean moving overseas; however it does mean we are called to more than creating safe little lives for ourselves. We are called to impact the nations for the glory of God.

Jesus didn’t say stay and let people come to you, He said go and baptize and teach.

“Jesus commands us to go. He has created each of us to take the gospel to the ends of the earth and I propose that anything less than radical devotion to this purpose is unbiblical Christianity.”
- David Platt Radical

It’s so much safer to stay. Within the circle, we have everything we need. Stepping out of the comfort zone means risking failure, ridicule, and criticism. Moving beyond this safe and secure little life involves a purposeful shift from an inward focus to an outward one.

We can stay without thinking. We can move through life easily in our habits and routines without giving it a second thought. Going involves intentionality. Going across the street to reach out to a neighbour, taking a risk in a relationship by revealing our faith, or stepping into a leadership role all require a conscious decision to follow Christ in obedience. And it’s risky.

“But what if we don’t need to sit back and wait for a call to foreign missions? What if the very reason we have breath is because we have been saved for a global mission? And what if anything less than passionate involvement in global mission is actually selling God short by frustrating the very purpose for which he created us?
- David Platt Radical

Some are called to physically go to the nations. Perhaps you are not. Perhaps I’m not. But that doesn’t changed the fact that we are all called to go.

“Every single man, woman, and child… is intended to impact nations for the glory of Christ, and there is a God-designed way for us to live our lives here, and do church here, for the sake of people around the world who don’t know Christ.”
- David Platt Radical